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Link's Tag: thomaschong

  • 33 PUFF PASS

    Caillou Is Some Fucked Up Shit

    I saw 4 episodes of the show the other day, and its been haunting my memories ever since.

    First off, I researched this show on IMBD, and I found out, people fucking hate the shit out of it, mostly becuase Caillou is pretty whiny, and his parents don't do much to stop him, but more on that later. Every episode of Caillou has a simple story arc, he does something bad, then realizes the error of his ways, but, this is lost on kids, becuase kids are stupid. The kids only get the message of the tantrum, and not of the learning experience. So kids who watch this show supposedly get more bratty from it. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0262153/board/nest/19696279?d=19696279&p=1#1...

    Ok, lets start out with the obvious, the kid is bald, there are only two reasons why a 4-year-old would be bald, parents interested in high fashion, and cancer. Caillou has cancer, once you realize this the show makes so much more sense, his parents are always super nice to him, during scenes in public places everyone in parks looks straight ahead, never acknowledging him, never staring at him.

    When he gets in trouble, you see his parents snap, but almost immediately soften up and either give in completely, or send him to five minuets time out. Just a single look in their cartoon eyes brings you face to face with their realization of their sons mortality, they feel incredibly guilty doing anything to punish their kid becuase he has cancer.

    Some of the saddest scenes involve Caillou fantasizing about what he wants to be when he grows up. Then his father being stabbed in the heart as he tells Caillou that he could do anything.

    The Caillou tragedy doesn't end there, while typing his name into google to learn how to spell it, I clicked on the Wikipedia article, it turns out the girl who played Caillou died in a car crash.

    This show is broadcasted in short, 5 minuet segments, along with live action segments that don't make any real sense. The actual animated parts of the show have a really weird off white soft focus around them, almost like they are a memory.

    My theory on the show is, its a first person view of Caillou on his death bed, with his life flashing before his eyes, along with day dreams that would fill the mind of a four year old.

    Caillou is about death.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on July 29, 2012
    • filed in Realizations
    • 6 comments
    • 0 likes
  • 1 PUFF PASS

    Unintentional Humor Found In Google Translate

    I took the first paragraph of a short story I'm working on, and translated it through every language on google translate, this is what I got...

    "" Oh man, you karoneiro? "Heard the call," Yes, who are you? "I said." I'm David, and I am of you? "He asked." David, shit, remember me? Next? "She asked." There is no way someone was you? "He asked. We" ... God is the same story, really, leave the damn city. "Walked 6 kilometers from the city, and Forgot about God, it is so beautiful," I spoke with the mayor for five minutes, and we know that this fucking whore. Allows you to get here. Night. Matter what. The interrogation room "with the feelings," "I often agree with David ..
    • by ThomasChong
    • on May 11
    • filed in Humor
    • 0 comments
    • 0 likes
  • 31 PUFF PASS

    Wealth

    We have gone far from our humble roots, the invention of wealth has crippled our state of mind so much that even the wealthy aren't happy.

    The wealthy will become afraid of death, simply because that would mean losing access to their possessions. That is unnatural, it is an unnatural state of mind.

    The poor will also be afraid of death, not because of the loss of material items, but because of the fear of not amounting to anything, media has us all expecting to be millionaires someday, when the whole concept of wealth as happiness has been drilled into our minds since we were toddlers.

    There is no such thing as permanent happiness, when we create large goals, such as, "Have a nice garden", we set out to do those things. We will be even more depressed then we were before we had those gardens, until we finish our goal. This is why people enjoy having small, easily attainable goals, goals we can finish fast and feel the immediate happiness from.

    When we were children, our goals were set out for us. Finish homework, finish the day, finish school, finish middle school, finish highschool, finish college, get a job, then, nothing. We have no direction, so we make goals, trying to further ourselves through our insistence, the only goal that rings through our life is, "Attain Wealth", that is unnatrual, although we still follow it because it is what everyone else is doing. Everyone needs a purpose, but instead of finding for ourselfs, we are tricked into buying shit we don't need by people who want money so they can buy shit they don't need. People see the owners of major corporations as these huge evil demi-human, but the truth is, they're just as lost as we are.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on April 4, 2012
    • filed in Realizations
    • 4 comments
    • 0 likes
  • 19 PUFF PASS

    Learning Your Police Rights

    You Have The Right…

    • To be in a public place and observe police activity.

    If The Police Stop Anyone…

    • STOP AND WATCH.

    • Write down officers’ names, badge numbers, and car numbers. Sometimes it can be difficult for a third part to get close enough to an officer to record their information without needlessly escalating the encounter. COPS CAN BE INDENTIFIED BY THE NUMBERS OF THEIR VEHICLES.

    • Write down the time, date, and place of the incident and all details as soon as possible.

    • Ask if the person is being arrested, and if so, on what charge.

    • Get witnesses’ names and contact information.

    • Try to get arrestees’ names, but only if they are already know to the police.

    • Document any injuries as soon as possible. Photograph them and prepare a medical report describing the details of the injuries.

    If The Police Stop You…

    • Ask, “AM I FREE TO GO?” If not, you are being detained. If yes, walk away.

    • Ask. “WHY ARE YOU DETAINING ME?” To stop you, the officer must have a “reasonable suspicion” to suspect your involvement in a specific crime, not just a guess or stereotype.

    • It is not a crime to be without ID. If you are being detained or issued a ticket, you may want to show ID to the cop because they can take you to a station to verify your identity.

    • If a cop tries to search your car, your house, or your person, say repeatedly that you DO NOT CONSENT TO THE SEARCH. If in a car, do not open your trunk or door, by doing so you consent to a search of your property and of yourself. If at home, step outside and lock your door behind you so cops have no reason to enter your house. Ask to see the warrant and check for proper address, judge’s signature, and what the warrant says the cops are searching for. Everything must be correct in a legal warrant. Otherwise, send the police away.

    • That cops can do a “pat search” (search the exterior of one’s clothing for weapons) during a detention for “officer safety reasons.” They can’t go into your pockets or bags without your consent. If you are arrested, they can search you and your possessions in great detail.

    • DO NOT RESIST PHYSICALLY. Use your words and keep your cool. If officers violate your rights, don’t let them provoke you into striking back. Wait until you are out of custody, then organize for justice.

    • Police can arrest someone they believe is “interfering” with their actions. Maintain a reasonable distance, and if cops threaten to arrest you, EXPLAIN THAT YOU DON’T INTEND TO INTERFERE, BUT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO OBSERVE THEIR ACTIONS.
    If The Police Arrest You…

    • You may be handcuffed, searched, photographed, and finger printed.

    • Say repeatedly, “I DON’T WANT TO TALK UNTIL MY LAWYER IS PRESENT.” Even if your rights aren’t read, refuse to talk until your lawyer/public defender arrives.

    • Do not talk to inmates in jail about your case.

    • If you’re on probation/parole, tell your P.O. you’ve been arrested, but NOTHING ELSE.

    REMEMBER
    You have legal rights, but many police will not respect your rights. Be careful – Be street smart.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on September 10, 2012
    • filed in Realizations
    • 5 comments
    • 1 like
  • 23 PUFF PASS

    50 Hits Of Acid: The Whole Trippy Affair

    I ran a six part story about my experience with 50 hits of acid on my highdeas account, now you good people on HE get to experience the whole thing.

    Part I:
    So I was on my way home from this new record store that I wanted to check out, when I saw some cop beating a hippie in an alley. So I go up to him and bribe him 30 bucks so he would leave the poor dude alone. I help the dude up and he is obliviously high out of his mind. He goes to me “Hey man, want to trip tonight? Open your mouth and close your eyes”, so me being a dumbass, did just that. He took out an eye dropper and squirted the whole entire thing into my mouth, it must have held at least 50 or even 60 hits. I think to myself “Oh my fucking god, I need to get home, across the city”.

    You know how acid kicks in after about an hour? This kicked in around 20 minuets. I was on the bus when it started to hit. Everything was swirling around me and I felt like the bus was underwater. So I miss my stop, by the time I’m off I have what would normally be a ten minuet walk home. But after the 45 minuet underwater bus ride. I’m on a different planet. The cracks in the side walk are beginning to act like snakes, street lights are bending and changing colors. Cars look like cartoons with faces and giant wheels, my thumbs are exploding in different colors. I feel like I’m peaking on normal acid two hours into the trip, and I’m just getting started. Houses started walking down the street. I saw parade going down the street of fantastical creatures and otherworldly beings. There’s a long stair case that I need to go down to get to my house, its very steep and winding, it looked like an entrance to the netherworld. I could see my house from the street, it was glowing with fluffy clouds above it. I went down the stair case slowly, but I began to pick up speed for no reason, so I’m running down this stair case at what seems like light speed, the stairs turn into beams of rainbow and I’m running down surrounded by impossible shapes made of love. I reach the bottom of the stair case. There’s a bridge I need to cross that goes over a river, it had been raining that week so it was waay higher than usual, like me. As I cross it I look down, the river is changing into deep shades of purple and green. I see my first car come out, its headlights on, it drives up the bank and starts beeping at me, it wanted revenge for me crashing it when I was 19. It wanted blood. It was chasing me down my street, my house was about a block away. I needed to get there. The trees were growing faces and yelling at me, everything was yelling at me, the sidewalk was crumbling and falling in front of me, I had to hop from crack to crack like an adventure movie. My car was honking and the world was yelling at me. I run up my steps into my house and close the door behind me, silence.

    Part II:
    I closed the door of my house behind me, the noise stopped. My house was dark, none of the lights were on but it seemed like a different type of dark. It felt like my soul was being sucked away by the dark. I fumbled for the light switch, it was bouncing around the wall, when I flicked it I realized it wasn’t working becuase I turned off the fuse box in the basement earlier becuase I didn’t want to bother turning off all the lights in my house.

    I heard a noise, a moan, I thought to myself “Oh shit, my house is haunted”, as I walked into my living room, everything started breaking and morphing, like the house was alive, the walls were breathing so hard they were breaking and creaking. I went into my bathroom in the dark, I looked in the mirror, big mistake, I saw ghostly apparitions behind me, they were woman, with long flowing black hair, their mouths were awkwardly open, like their jaws were broken, their eyes were white, and they were screaming. I grabbed a toilet paper roll, ready to throw it at them, but they were gone. For some reason I opened the shower curtain, I saw a naked man with the head of a cockroach, I ran out of my bathroom, still clenching the toilet paper.

    I needed to get into the basement before I peaked. I took out my lighter, and set the roll of toilette paper on fire, using it as a torch. This was not my basement, it was a graveyard, I was in another world, I saw the full moon, the mist, I began walking to a floating fuse box, when a baby dolls hand shot out from under a grave, then other dolls began coming out of the graves. Their heads were spinning as called out at me. More came out from the ground below my feet dragging me down into the dirt, then black, my toilette paper roll was extinguished, then I felt the carpet floor, as I stood up my head hit the fuse box, I awkwardly stumbled for the switch when, power was restored, it burned my eyes so bad but I loved it. I went back up stairs, which looked like piano keys.

    In my kitchen was the sun, right over my island, along with a fox that was running around. I felt better about my trip, I went to my radio and started up the yellow submarine CD that was in it. I went to my fridge, I wanted to eat ice, for what ever reason. As I opened my freezer I saw many different foods scramble back into their boxes, like I had interrupted a party that they weren’t supposed to be having. I looked at the ice, grabbed a piece, and chomped on it. Then, it started snowing in my kitchen. It was cold so I spit the ice onto the floor, and I walked into my living room, my couch was polka-dotted (its plain leather in real life) rapidly changing colors, my carpet was growing like grass and being mowed by a cat with a purple head who had to keep walking around becuase of the constant growth of the grass. I turned on the tv but I didn’t pay attention to it. I stared at a wall, there must have been 30 different types of clocks on it, but they didn’t have any numbers on any of them.

    There was a gold cuckoo clock that was insanely detailed and amazing, I loved it, it started to ring, and a bird popped out, what happened next is hard to explain, but I’ll do my best. You know how a train looks small then becomes big as it comes toward you? We’ll this is what the cuckoo bird that came out of the clock did to me, it popped out and was coming to me, then it was bigger than me, I flew in through its eye, I was in a cuckoo control room, there was one white door, it looked like it was off a boat, it even had the wheel that opened it. I opened it and saw a black space, I stepped in and started floating, I saw a television floating with its plug whipping around, there was an old coffee commercial that used to be on in the late fifty’s, there’s this lady who puts a cup on a table then makes out with her husband behind it. I bump into the television and the coffee spills out, a huge coffee waterfall, the coffee changes from black and white into brown. I’m in a coffee waterfall, and I land in a coffee swamp. By now I’m just about to peak, I can feel it, but I feel my guardians presence.

    I had never seen my guardians face, he always had the thing a grim reaper wears on. But this time felt different, more pure.

    I’m standing in a coffee swamp, the coffee comes to my chest, the decrepit trees around me start rumbling and my guardian slowly rises out of the water in his pure form. Its a black face, it seems old, but like an old artifact, his face is much bigger than me, and oval shaped, he has no hair or body, his mouth is neutral and his eyes are closed. As he begins to talk his mouth doesn’t move. “You are about to be in a world you are not meant to journey into, you don’t belong there, you will be a foreigner in lands that are not physically possible, you are venturing outside of your native dimension. You will be in many dimensions, this I cannot stop, but I can bring you back home.” It that his eyes opened wide, but I saw no pupils, I saw space, rapidly changing colors, stars blinking and exploding out of existence in mere seconds, I flew in, supernovas blew up all the stars. It was black, I heard my guardian say “Don’t make the big mistake”. Then a far way away, I saw a portal, inside was a black and white world, it grew bigger and bigger. I had reached the peak.

    Part III:
    I saw the dimension approaching quickly, no, it was sucking me in, I landed in a typical town from the 50′s, everything was black and white, a town was in the middle of the desert. Nothing was bending or moving or appearing any more beautiful than it should be, apart from everything being black and white. I was going to ask somebody where I was exactly. I opened the steel door which was tinged with gold around the edges. There was food and even coats here, but no people, it appeared as if everyone has up and left. As I stepped outside I noticed a large cloud of billowing smoke a street over, I cut through an alley, I noticed a huge pile of burning bodies, at least I thought, on closer inspection I found it to be clothes. A huge pile of burning clothes in the middle of nowhere.

    I was intrigued as to what made the citizens of this town leave the diner and burn their clothes. I peaked into one of the houses, I saw a light coming from upstairs, I carefully opened the walnut brown door, and started climbing the stairs. I saw a television on. It was in color, I was on the T.V, lying back on the couch, I was having an out of body experience on a T.V. I wanted out, I took a baseball bat from behind the couch and destroyed the T.V. As I walked back down the stairs I knew I needed to find a way out, I needed to find my guardian. I walked out of the house, the street just ended and a desert was all that could be seen.

    I walked out of the town, I saw a large sand dune and climbed over it. I saw a burial site, many graves, about two hundred. And one man, an old man, sitting in a chair. I asked him “What the fuck happened here?”. He looked at me and said “Their all dead, and you killed them”. I staggered back, memories of me killing the townsfolk started to flood my head, were they real? They were more vivid than any memories I had ever had before, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. They began to fade, when I opened my eyes, the man, the chair, the grave site, and the town behind me were gone. My guardian was on a sand dune in front of me.

    We walked through the desert “Why am I here?” I asked. “You have been caught up in the Dimensional Transition, its the journey you should take when you die, you have had such an imbalance of chemicals in your brain that it has decided to throw you into it early, so you don’t kill yourself.” “You can’t die from acid, I say” “If you were to fall down a stair case or cut yourself with a knife, you would, you’re unstable, you might have died in the basement if I hadn’t made you drop your flaming toilette paper roll” He says with a flick of his gloved wrist. “Well whats the Dimensional Transition”, I ask. “When you die, you experience a massive DMT trip, within that trip, you’ll make the Dimensional Transition, its different for everyone, some experience it once at death, some many times with various drugs, and some never becuase their death destroyed their brain” “Yeah, but what exactly is it?” “A self discovering journey, most have never made it past the 3rd Dimensional Transition, but you, you’ll make it to the 4th, the only way to get to the 5th Dimensional Transition is to die, its the ultimate, every bit of knowledge will be yours, you will know everything that ever happened and everything that could ever happen, then you die” “There’s nothing after the 5th Dimensional Transition?” I ask. “Nothing” “So am I in the 1st Dimensional Transition right now?” “Yes” he answers. “What is the difference between the different Dimensional Transitions, exactly?” I asked him. “The 1st Dimensional Transition is childhood, you remember the time you burned your clothes in the Nevada desert when you were 4?” The memory shot back into my head, I was four, camping with my parents, one night I was afraid that there was a spider in my clothes so I threw them into the fire. “But why the strange town, and the burial site, and the old man?” I asked. “That’s for you to figure out, now the 2nd Dimensional Transition is life, or life after childhood, then comes the 3rd Dimensional Transition, which is death, an awful, awful place. Finally, the 4th Dimensional Transition is mind, the purest form of enlightenment a human can experience without dieing” he said “Well, have fun on your travels” “One more thing” I asked “whats the 5th Dimensional Transition called?” He turned to me slowly and said a final parting word “Soul”. With that he walked off.

    I was walking through the black and white desert, but with a single blink the black and the white became negatives of each-other, the sun was black in the sky, the sky behind white as the moon. I heard the melody from “Black Hole Sun” drift through the desert air.

    I saw a door and its frame, standing in the desert, connected to nothing, I walked all the way around it, it didn’t seem to lead anywhere, I opened the door, and saw the black “In-between-dimensions-space”. I stepped in, and floated away.

    Part IV:
    The space between dimensions was different, it felt like there were tinges of color, like if you were to take only one hit of mescaline, you’d feel if you were in a dark hallway, with a door with light behind it, behind that door are open eye’s, but you just can’t reach it.

    I felt something start pulling me from behind, I tried and tried to turn around but I couldn’t, it was sucking me down, my body became sedated, my feet became wet, I was being sucked down a wet black hole, I closed my eyes, and I was in a tree, about 5 feet off the ground. I eased myself down, I was in a forest, large pine trees loomed ahead, there were no stars or moon in the sky. I stepped out of the brush, a dirt road tore through the forest, both ways seemed to go on forever, on the right I saw a light post.

    After about five minuets of walking, I reached the lamp post. It was tall and black, the lamp was attached by hook, swinging in the absence of wind. I looked behind it, I walked all the way around it, when I came back around, I noticed a bike, halfway buried in the road, I wanted to dig it out, so I could traverse this forest road with a greater ease. I started digging it out then the ground started to crumble, I fell through and landed on the other side of the ground. The ground was only an inch thick, each side had gravity. I was on the reverse side, I looked down (up?) the hole I had just made, I saw the street lamp, rocking back and forth quickly. I looked around, I was surrounded by the roots of trees, sprouting up like bushes, I noticed the bike’s lamp turn on, it started moving.

    I chased after it, it was weaving through the roots, until it was caught between two. I grabbed it and started to ride it, I saw the light of my hole, I began riding tword it, but it was closing, I flew through, and landed on top of the repaired hole. I sat my bike up, it was dark, the street lamp had been warped and bent by something.

    I began riding, the head lamp of the bike was helpful, but the surrounding woods still scared me. The trail stopped, it was now a cliff, I looked down it, it seemed to go on forever, I looked left and right, they also seemed to go on forever. Then I turned around, my bike looked like a T-Rex had stepped on it, the trees all around were destroyed, I saw the tops of trees all around falling, a group of some large something’s was coming for me. I jumped off the cliff.

    I was falling, after a few seconds I saw a glowing orange and red tinge, then I saw them, the huge glowing rivers of lava and the black brimstone surrounding them. I hit the ground hard. I stood up, my head dizzy. A man in a designer suit walked up too me, no, this was no man, he had a red face and small horns sticking out of his head. “Are you the devil?” I asked. “Hahaha, the fucking devil? Yeah, I’m the devil, my friend the tooth fairy and Santa are here too!” “Where then fuck am I, is this hell?”, he looked at me, and said with a laugh “Hell? No dumbass, this is Sugar Candy Mountain” “Who are you?”, I asked. “I’m Dave” he answered nonchalantly. “What? Dave who?”. “I’m Dave Burnstein, diphthong, now come on, lets take a walk.”.

    “Why is this place called Sugar Candy Mountain?” I asked, still confused by the whole situation. “I don’t know, man, why is Seattle called Seattle?” He asked me. “It was probably the name of some Native American tribe” I answered quickly. “Well then, shut the fuck up, smartass”. We walked over a brimstone bridge that crossed a huge river of lava, we came to a fork in the road. The sign read, “LEFT: Dave’s house / RIGHT (unreadable)”, we went right.

    We walked in silence for a bit, until I asked “So is this the 3rd Dimensional Transition?” “What? No! You think I would live there, that place is awful, its a warped place, the worst of all Dimensional Transitions, I would rather go to your hell then go there.” “Oh”, I said, “I’m going there next” He stopped dead. “WHAT?! Why? Thats a fucking terrible idea!”. “Well, I have to, its some spiritual journey or some shit like that.” We started walking again. “Well, I’m sorry for you man, not even guardians will go in there, and they go into bad trips all the time. “Guardian’s? Theres more than one?” “Yeah, you selfish asshole, everyone has one, they’re a part of your brain” “Are you a part of my brain?” “No, I’m Dave, dumbass”.

    “Sugar Candy Mountain, the name is familiar to me, its from a book called Animal Farm, it was their heaven, if this is where they ended up then I feel sorry for them.” “Hey! I live here, buddy, how would you like it if you took me on a tour of L.A. and I told you how shitty it was” “Sorry” I mumbled. Sugar Candy Mountain’s ground started becoming less black, until it was bright copper. Dave stopped. “Well this is as far as I can go, see you later man” He turned around as I said “Bye”.

    I walked, and walked, and walked, and walked, and walked. The ground so gradually changed from copper to white that I hardly noticed it had leveled. I was in a world of white. This was nowhere land. It was boring. I kept walking, off in the distance I noticed a blue streak. I walked to, it being the only thing to walk to. I realized it was a fast moving, clear river, flowing through nowhere land. There was a single white sail boat, attached to a single white dock, in a single white world. I hopped in the boat, untied it, and was whisked away.

    I must have been going twenty miles per hour, I was moving seamlessly through nowhere land, but it wasn’t like I was going anywhere, since there was nowhere to go. I heard a loud noise, the stream grew larger and larger until it was a river, then a channel, then an ocean, with a white sky. I kept floating and floating, the noise grew larger. I looked down, massive fish, the size of skyscrapers with multicolored scales and magnificent glowing eyes swam about in the clear water below me. The water was so clear it was as if I was floating, yet so deep I couldn’t see the bottom. The noise grew larger and larger until I realized what it was, a giant waterfall, going endlessly in each direction.

    I was going to go over it, it was circular, like a drain with sheer edges, in the middle was an island, with black sand. I braced for my travel off the huge, thousand foot waterfall, just as my boat went over I jumped out of it. Pointing my body, as I hit the water I blacked out. I woke up on the black-sanded beach. The island wasn’t very big, only about 100 feet from one side to another. All black sand, no trees, no houses, only one structure, a large, black obelisk with a purple portal in it. I knew where it lead. I called out for my guardian, his head rose from the water, its eyes closed, just as it had in the coffee swamp. “Go whenever you like, but you must make the journey through the 3rd Dimensional Transition, you can spend as much time as you like on this beach, but you must go eventually”. I sat on the black-sanded beach, dipping my feet in the pleasant clear water for what seemed like hours, but my fate was inevitable, I got up, and stepped through the portal.

    Part V:
    I flew through this purple void, with magnificent, deep tones of dreary colors mimicking emotions, wondering where I would end up. I closed my eyes, and opened. I was in a bathroom; I could tell it was Asian style, due to the shape of the toilet. I heard a rumbling, I stepped outside the bathroom onto an empty, dark train station, an empty, lightless subway car showed up, seeing no other way to escape from this damp, dark place, I entered it.

    It started moving right after I stepped in, there was no voice, and nobody was sitting on the train. It began picking up speed, faster and faster. I sat in a seat, it was awkward and uncomfortable, around the dim train were scratches, everywhere, the windows were shattered but not broken, it was a sad place, as if all love had been sucked out of it. I looked out the window into the subway tunnel, an absolute absence of light unfolded over me, it was darker than dark. I looked away from the window, a man, seemingly homeless, had appeared on the train.

    He was wearing a heavy brown coat, with a hood pulled over his head, he was looking down. I wanted to talk to him, but found that even looking at him caused a sense of loss in my chest, like he was draining my soul, I looked down at my feet. I looked up again, he had moved closer, and was now about 5 seats away. I heard a tap on my window, I glanced at it, nothing, but he had moved another two seats closer, still on the opposite side of the hall. I closed my eyes, hard, hoping to reappear somewhere else, somewhere better. He was across the hall.

    I stood up and shouted “Just who the fuck are you!? “. He shivered. He spoke to me in an accent that I couldn’t place, but his voice was deep and tortured, as if he had been screaming all his life. “You shouldn’t be here, but now, you can’t escape, the driver will find you, he found me.” He slowly lifted up his hood, revealing a bald man, with no eyes, and deep scars all over his face and head, he smiled a broken plead for help. The train stopped, he got off, while I was left, bewildered and terrified.

    I wondered who the driver was, I decided to walk up to the first car of the train to find out. When the train had stopped where I got on, I counted about 5 cars, but, as I walked through these cars, they never seemed to end; I must have walked through about 50 until I gave up. I picked up a piece of glass and scratched a large X on a window, I walked through a train door, the X was still there.

    I sat down again in desperation, the train would need to stop sometime, I waited, and looked out the window, I saw a young Indian boy when I looked away. I walked up to him, he didn’t have an heir of sadness about him. I asked him “Where am I” He turned to me calmly, and said “The 3rd Dimensional Transition”. I had known where I was, yet I still staggered back at the news. “Where are we, exactly?” I asked. “This is the train that goes between the different realms of the 3rd Dimensional Transition, right now, I am leaving this place.” “How?”, I asked “They are going to kill me”. I looked at this innocent, harmless little boy, and I wondered who would ever want to kill him “Why?” I blurted out. “Because, it was either this, or 1,000 cycles of 1,000 years of torture, after that, you are either let out of this realm, or the driver makes you a torturer” “So this is hell” I asked him. “Such a place does not exist, this is a passing place for souls who cannot bear to leave their fears behind, or to face them, there are three options when you end up hear, to cease existing, be tortured, or to face what scares you most, but me, I was born here, I have a soul that is only tethered to this dimension, I can never leave this awful place, so I must cease to exist.” “Oh…” I said, “Well, why does anybody choose thousands of years of torture over facing their fears” He looked into my eyes and said “Because some people have grown so poor in life that all they possess is money, they haven’t a heart, their judgement is clouded, they are not punished by force, they believe that they will find a loophole, that the universe will bend to their whim, people who never realized that they are not the center of the universe, money holds no power here, the only power in this world is held by the driver.” “Who the fuck is the driver?” “He is an entity, much like a guardian, but he is not looking out for the protection of souls, he processes them, the torture will eventually make all memories of previous lives disappear, from there, they are either recruited as a torturer, or sent along to their journey to the 5th Dimensional Transition, if they choose to cease existing, they are brought to a place where they will drink from a chalice, and die, it does not hurt, there is no wait, they simply cease to exist, or, they can face their fear, by going through the cave, the cave morphs and turns, it knows you better than you know yourself, it will root itself into your brain, you’ll be subjected to mental torture, which the weaker minded cannot even begin to stand, now get off at this stop, if you take a left through the canyon, you’ll be tortured, if you go right, you’ll go to the cave.”I got off the train, and left the small boy to his cruel fate.

    I was in a cobblestone square, it was deep underground, the walls were made out of obsidian, and a red clock post hung from the ceiling. To the left was a jagged canyon, to the right, was a trail. I went to the right and followed the trail, when it stopped into a wall, near the trail was a metal door, with crimson paint, I opened it, and found myself in a cave.

    Near the door was a weaved basket with four torches in it, I grabbed one and lit it on the single torch above the door, I began walking through this cave, my eyes began playing tricks on me, I would hear screams, see movement out of the corner of my eye. Then on the floor, I saw a line of red paint. I knew what it was, it was where the cave would bury into my brain, I closed my eyes and stepped over it. I was on the Titanic, or some ship from the 1900′s, I was in a ball room, pitch black skeletons with large bulging blue eyes peered at me, I touched one, he turned to dust and blew away, a gasp fell over the crowd and the music stopped, his dancing partner stepped back into the crowd. They began walking tword me, faster and faster, I turned around and ran through the kitchen door and I was back in the cave, I picked up my still burning torch from the floor and kept walking, the cave was on a downward path, so I wasn’t turned around.

    I heard yelling and screaming from the inside of my head, I would hear footsteps behind me, only to turn around and not see them anywhere. I saw the tortured man from the train running full out at me from the darkness, he was bleeding heavily, once he was about a foot away from me, he faded from existence, as if he was never there. I blinked, and an eye appeared on the wall of the cave, more and more began opening, a moaning noise started, it was layered, as if a whole stadium was moaning, hands began coming out of the wall, grabbing at my face, I noticed another red line on the floor, I closed my eyes and jumped over it, desperate to free myself from the hands.

    I was in a twisted, dark hallway with purple wall paper that was peeling off, behind me was only a wall, there was only one door in this hallway. I noticed that there were picture frames along the wall, but there wasn’t anything in them, the carpet was burnt along the sides, I came to the wooden, white door and I opened the door. It was a dark room, a single candle was burning on a dresser, a woman in a wedding dress, whose face and hands looked like they had been charred by a fire, she was just a skeleton, with bits of charred flesh falling off her. She was cradling a baby who looked about the same as she did, as if it had been in a fire. She turned to me, her eyes fused shut, she uttered in an unbalanced voice “Don’t wake the baby”. Her eyes jarred open, revealing a blood shot monstrosity of an eye. She started screaming, I turned around, opened the door, and I was back in the cave. I kept walking, a young girl in a white dress appeared around the corner, her spine cracked and contorted, I could only watch as her body morphed into a jumbled mess, then, she dissipated and disappeared. I felt as if the air was running out, I would keep hearing voices and whispers in my head, I would not become aware of their existence until they ended, and I could never remember what they said.

    For what seemed like days I walked through this cursed place, experiencing dreadful hallucinations. Until I noticed a foreign light source, it was the brightest thing I had seen in the 3rd Dimensional Transition, I walked uphill to get it, up and up, a large, golden door was in front of me, light leaking from all around it. I opened it. I was in a white room with golden trimmings, it had a soft focus about it. In the middle was a fountain, I jumped into the clear water, it was bigger I was in an ocean of love and happiness, at the bottom, I saw a door radiating the purest light I had ever seen, I swam to it, opened it and stepped through, I was on my way to the 4th Dimensional Transition.

    Part VI:
    I was out of the 3rd Dimensional Transition, my back felt lifted, like every single step I took was effortless, my very existence was pure here, I couldn’t recall any negative memories, the 3rd Dimensional Transition seemed like a different world, like it was a movie I had turned away from.

    I was on an island in the middle of a lake, surrounding it was a colorful forest, with a house flickering in the difference. I found I could walk over the water, it was amazing, below me, fishes in all shades of the rainbow swam about, I walked over to a cobblestone path that appeared to be made of emeralds. I followed the path through the beautiful forest the sky seemed to change colors, every thing seemed so intensely beautiful that I almost couldn’t even comprehend the existence of a world like this. As I stepped on cobble stones, they would change into different colors, I felt like I heard music that didn’t exist, I could have stayed in this world for hours on end, observing the multicolored birds fly through the multicolored trees.

    I stepped into the small house, and I was in a large palace in the sky. But it felt faint, like it was a dream I was leaving, at the top of the stairs was a huge, forty foot tall golden portal, I knew where it led, and I knew I didn’t belong where it went. The scenery around me began to collapse, it all crumpled and I was alone in a void of darkness, then I saw it, a door, a plain, old brown door. I stepped through, I was on another plane, outside of all dimensions, shapes that made no physical sense moved around in ways that shouldn’t be possible, intense geometrical shapes made of love. I felt like I was moving, accelerating, faster and faster, then I hit something, I stopped and heard a crack.

    My eyes were closed. I was still high, but I was in my own house. It was a manageable high. I got up from my couch. I went out through the back door. The sun was rising, and, out of all the landscapes I’d been through, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

    See you next time space cowboy.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on May 16, 2012
    • filed in Experiences
    • 13 comments
    • 2 likes
  • 12 PUFF PASS

    Year: 2000

    Time: 1:00 AM.
    Location: Manhattan

    I remember the New Year rather clearly, I was in New York at the time, not under the influence of anything other than weed and a few glasses of champagne, oh, and the acid I had injected about an hour ago at midnight. The partying was still going strong, it was a new era, a major turning point in history.

    I knew the drugs were kicking in when the street lights started bending. My wife was at our hotel, 6 miles away at the upper east side, in my two and a half hour walk through the party torn streets of Manhattan, my mind began to spiral inwards. It was the New Year, Y2K was a hoax, technology was growing rapidly, and it was cold. Very cold. I huddled my shoulders as I cut through a dark alley, not a smart move in New York, but I digress. New York is a funny city. Its so close to New Jersey, but the cultures and people are total opposites. The early morning has a way of playing tricks on the mind, its an utterly strange passing period when the sun is on the other side of the planet.

    Humans have been so accustomed to darkness, but we would freak the fuck out if we had gone our whole lives without seeing it, then suddenly being enveloped in it. With all the crazy shit that goes on in space, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a third side of the dark/light situation.

    If I was in deep space with a gun, I could fire a bullet, and becuase the planets and stars are always moving away from you on a relative scale, that bullet would be alone until the end of everything. But if you really think about it, there is no end to time, becuase it doesn't exist, its just a measurement. When two black holes meet, the bigger one swallows the smaller one, sooner or later, the universe is only going to consist of black holes, and looong after that, it will just be made of one black hole. All the mass in the universe will be condensed to a single point. Big Bang again. This has likely been going on forever.

    Its a little sad that its impossible to figure out everything about the universe, becuase once a species comes close, they are wiped out, and everything starts over again. Everything that has happened in this universe will be gone within 100,000,000,000 years. Gone, like it never existed. But then again, our atoms can be a source of inspiration out of this depression. You have at least one atom that has belonged to every human ten years before you, a little bit of Jimi Hendrix, Buddah, and even Hitler.

    With that revelation, I reached my hotel. Checked in, and took the elevator to my floor, entered my room, and joined my wife in bed. Then, the final thought of the night entered my head. The universe is so barren, so empty, probably less than 1% of 1% actually has stuff in it, and less than 1% of 1% of 1% of that is inhabited by creatures, and most of those creatures are so simple they act on instinct. Love may be caused by chemicals, but the fact that I am actually able to experience it blows me away to this day.

    See you next time, space cowboy.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on November 1, 2012
    • filed in Experiences
    • 2 comments
    • 0 likes
  • 17 PUFF PASS

    Finding A Golden State Of Mind

    It seems today, everyone has a desired age and place they'd love to be, California in the 70's, Harlem in the 40's, Paris in the 20's or 1890's, the time of the Romans, Greeks, Italy in the 1400's, even Egypt in 3000 B.C; but the problem is, there is no golden age, right now, there's good music, and bad music. Just as there was in 1960. We have diseases cured and diseases we can't cure, there will be pros and cons for every decade. People will surround themselves with art, music, and movies from their desired time scape, but, those days are over, there is no reason for you or anyone else not to love this time, we look at the past through a filter, we forget everything bad, so it seems like it was all wonderful. In 20 years are you going to remember The Jonas Brothers or are you going to remember Gorillaz? People in the future will see this decade as a time when movies and technology grew incredibly fast, when art branched out into places Monet could have never dreamed of, when electronic music was defined, and when independent music blossomed onto the scene.

    We should all go out and experience as much as our lives as we possibly can, stay young at heart, drink wine, use candles, have long conversations, get lost in huge cites at night, have fun. Get enough story's collected in your experience so that when you are old, you can reflect on your life and be happy.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on July 29, 2012
    • filed in Philosophy
    • 4 comments
    • 0 likes
  • 9 PUFF PASS

    Understanding Emotions and Tripping

    This story begins with roughly 100-120 mgs of DMT put into a joint, melted under a heat lamp, and smoked. As I exhaled, the drug began its onset, within a minute, the furniture had all melted away, the carpet began to creep up the walls, and then up the ceiling. It then fell onto me, wrapping me up and whipping me away.

    My first though was “Had I taken too much?” I tore through the carpet, only, it wasn’t a carpet, it was now a cocoon, I was hanging upside down from a sort of shape that looked like a multicolored, 3-D hexagon made of much smaller 3-D hexagons, all spinning and shaking, growing and shaking. I fell out of my cocoon.

    Falling down, until the hexagon looked like a star in the sky. I was surrounded my stars, one in particular started growing bigger and bigger until I was enveloped in an incredibly bright green-white light. I started to feel good, better, great, this goodness kept growing, until I reached a peak. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, I just had an eternal wholeness, I don’t want to say I reached nirvana, mostly because looking back on the experience, it wasn’t pleasant, actually, it was awful, terrible, because I was only feeling one pure emotion, I didn’t feel human, I wasn’t human, I wasn’t even alive, it all felt so artificial.

    Just as sweet sugar and bitter chocolate taste good together, I needed some bad with my good, the reason we have feelings like depression, fear, and hatred is that they balance out their mirrors. A meal of only sugar is no meal at all.
    But my trip wasn’t over yet, far from it in fact, my inner-goodness began to subside, the numbness and stiffness was lost, the bright light of this world began to fade, and I was enveloped in darkness. I was being drained. I have been depressed before, I have been scared before, we all have. No human lives a life without sadness or fear. But this was different, it wasn’t fear, I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t depressed, it was some other emotion, something deeper, something primal.

    You know that moment, when you’re backed into a corner, something is after you, physically or even mentally, there’s a slight bridge, when your brain is going into the fight or flight reflex, before adrenaline is released, it’s a split second, but, for this incredibly slim amount of time, you feel nothing, that is what it feels like when you only have your senses, as your brain is evaluating everything it can about a situation, it isn’t wasting brain power on memory, emotion, or any other luxuries we have, it is only evaluating the threat, and escape routes, sure it’s using short term memories and other bare necessities, but it’s set on one thing, staying alive. It’s the moment right before your stomach drops; it’s the hesitation before you act the lock up before you run. It’s total nothingness.

    I felt this, I wasn’t sure if it lasted two seconds or two years. The very act of trying to describe it gives me a head-ache. Then, I saw a light, a golden light coming from below me, and what can only be described as an orgasm of emotion washed over me, I was happy, sad, scared, envious, and in love with the universe at the same time, it was an overload of conflicting emotion, the golden light grew less and less bright, until I realized I was looking at my desk lamp.

    Launching off this trip report, what is emotion? Wikipedia has a neat little chart of human emotion:

    Kind of emotion..............Positive emotions..............Negative emotions

    Emotions related to object properties
    ..........................................Interest, curiosity................Alarm, panic
    ..............................Attraction, desire, admiration....Aversion, disgust, revulsion
    ...........................Surprise, amusement..........Indifference, familiarity, ...............................................................................................Habituation

    Future appraisal emotions
    .....................................................Hope...............................Fear

    Event related emotions
    ......................................Gratitude, thankfulness..........Anger, rage
    ............................Joy, elation, triumph, jubilation.............Sorrow, grief
    ..................................Relief.....................Frustration, disappointment

    Self-appraisal emotions
    .........Pride in achievement, self-confidence...Embarrassment, shame
    ...........................Sociability.............................. Guilt, remorse



    Social emotions
    ..................................Generosity..........Avarice, greed, miserliness
    ............................................................Envy, jealousy
    ..........................Sympathy......................................Cruelty

    Cathected emotions
    ......................................Love............................................Hate

    Now most of them make sense from an evolutionary standpoint, curiosity arguably led to every single human discovery ever, love helps us reproduce, generosity helps popularize us in a group we need for protection, anger gives us the courage to fight, fear helps us avoid dangerous situations, onwards and so forth with every category, except with event related emotions.

    Natural selection is a pretty simple process, if you are better suited to your environment than your peers, you will be able to produce offspring that will carry your traits. That means that happiness and sadness are vital to our survival, but why? When you think about it, happiness doesn’t really help anyone out when you look at it straight on neither does sadness, disappointment, nor frustration. But, I have a hypothesis on why we have these emotions, and it goes a bit deeper than, reproduction or basic survival.

    Frustration:
    Let’s say you’re locked out of your house, it’s freezing outside and you don’t have a phone to call a locksmith, so you decide to break down your basement door. You slam into it, kicking at it, hitting faster and harder each time. This is basic frustration. When we’re trying to do a difficult task and we fail, the natural response is to do it faster and harder, this is because in the cave men times, there was really no need for anything more skillful than brute force, if the animal isn’t dead yet, your brain says club it faster and harder. But in today’s modern world, we have much more complex tasks than kicking down a door. If you’re playing a video game, and you repeatedly fail at the same part, you start doing it faster and faster, becoming frustrated with it. You know you’ll have to slow down in order to win, but you still don’t. It’s a natural emotion for ancient times. I believe that over the course of human history, frustration will be greatly diminished, or our brain will only apply it to physical exertions.

    Disappointment:
    Now what could be the reason for this feeling? That horrible sinking feeling you get when something doesn’t go as expected. It’s one of the few emotions we actually feel guilty for having, if you open up a present at Christmas, and it turns out to be socks instead of something you wanted, you’d most likely throw on a plastic smile, hiding your emotion, but it’s not like hate, it feels good to hate something deep down, for some odd reason, but that’s off topic. When you have disappointment deep down, you feel like an asshole. Now why would we have an emotion that makes us feel bad to feel? Again, we need to go back to the caveman times. Now my theory on disappointment is that it originated from hunting and foraging, if you go out into the wild for food, and find nothing, your brain will punish you to its fullest extent, because it not only means that you won’t be able to eat, it also means your group will have animosity, you were supposed to acquire food, and you didn’t, so you feel disappointment. But this feeling has now turned into a feeling of dejection from not getting your way, so I believe it will also be phased out throughout human evolution.

    Happiness:
    Happiness, it’s everyone’s favorite emotion, and I think that it’s also quite easy to explain, it’s the brains way of rewarding you, you’re happy when you’re under little stress, in good living conditions, and with a peer you have bonded with, either in love or friendship. It’s rare to be consistently happy when alone, because this isn’t the natural human state of being, we’re very social creatures. So when you find yourself in a consistent situation that would allow reproduction and survival, your brain wants you to be in that situation as much as possible, so it makes you happy, you like the feeling of happiness, so you try to put yourself in that situation as much as possible. Happiness is much different than triumph, even though we often confuse the two. Triumph would be breaking down your door after trying for a long time; happiness would be repairing that door and feeling safe in your house again. So I don’t think happiness will change too much in the course of human history, it’s a really basic emotion; most animals feel it or something similar.

    Sadness:
    Now this one is the most puzzling of all emotions. Why would your brain put you in a state of state of lethargic self-pity? Quoting from Wikipedia: “When one is sad, people often become less outspoken, less energetic, and emotional.” Less outspoken and less energetic, that really surprises me, why did ancient people who were less outspoken and less energetic reproduce? What’s the point of sadness? Now, this is purely a hypothesis, and I’m sure some people reading this will have wildly differing opinions, but I believe that sadness it’s the brains way of coming to terms with a traumatic situation. I believe it originated from the earliest animal mothers, before humans or even monkeys. I believe basic ancient mammals were the first creatures on earth to feel sadness, because mammals do not lay eggs, they give birth and care for a single or a litter of babies, when one or even all of these babies die due to the harshness of life in the wild, the mother still has protective instincts, it has failed as a mother, and sadness was the ultimate form of punishment for this poor animal. The goal of every living thing on earth is reproduction. When we fail at that, we fail at existence, so our brains punish us. Over time, these motherly instincts spread to men too, and began broadening to just a general feeling of loss, because that’s where sadness comes from, not depression or any other condition, just basic sadness. Loss of friends, loss of relative, loss of offspring, and loss of animal companion are the most common places sadness originates, when we lose something important to us, our ancient reptile brains see this as failing to look out for those around us, and we feel sad.
    So how does this apply to you? We have emotions, and most of them can be explained with some logic, now we need to learn how to control them. We can control our emotions pretty well in sober life, but when we add a chemical to that equation, it can be hard to grasp hold of our inhibitions.

    A friend of mine once told me that “Bad trips aren’t real if you don’t believe in them”, and while this isn’t entirely true (there are many fucked up hallucinogens and dissociatives that can and will produce bad trips if used improperly), it defiantly changed my perspective on tripping.

    I’ll do my best to provide a general guide on happy tripping, but keep in mind that it’s general, you do not have to and should not follow it to the smallest detail, everyone is different, if you’re doing something and you don’t like it, don’t do it.

    Mindset:
    A lot of people say that if you’re stressed out or depressed, you’re going to have a bad trip, while this isn’t always true, it’s not going to hurt if you’re in a good mood, if you’re going through a rough patch in your life, save the hallucinogens for later, they probably won’t make you feel better, and you’d be more likely to have a bad trip. And don’t have a bunch of expectations or things you “need to do” (like, “I gotta watch SpongeBob while tripping, or we need to go for a walk on acid, or I just have to watch the sunrise), if you’re tripping, fun things will come to you, there’s really no need to seek them.

    Control:
    When in the midst of a drug trip, a pretty huge mistake people make is trying to totally steer their trip in a direction they desire. You can’t say to yourself “I will now find total inspiration” and expect for it to appear out of thin air. But another mistake people make is believing that they have absolutely no power over the trip, this also isn’t true, no matter what chemicals are racing through your body, you’re still human, and although it may take practice, you can ground yourself in reality. The best way to do this in my opinion is to play a simple drum beat, the least complex thing imaginable, just one drum at a steady, slow tempo, focusing on this will immensely ground and calm you.

    Emotion:
    And we come full circle. Emotion can be the best thing or the worst thing to ever happen to you when tripping. The reason I presented an in depth look into emotion is because you need to realize that emotions have only as much control over you as you give them. If you become sad when tripping, ask yourself why you’re sad, try to find logical mental route to happiness, for example, if you’re sad that Jimi Hendrix is dead, ask yourself why,
    “Because he can’t make music any more”, why does this make you sad, “Because I really enjoyed his music”, if you enjoyed it, why don’t you cherish the music he did make and go listen to the music he did make, you can’t do anything about his death, so you might as well not fight it.
    I’m sure that this little mental conversation seems a bit silly to most people, but calmly and slowly examining your troubles while tripping can really help you calm down. Hallucinogens are really good at amplifying emotion, sadness can feel like an overwhelming pit and happiness can seem like a peak so high that it rises above all logic, so try to keep on that peak, enjoy yourself, feel happiness naturally, but don’t force it, and don’t mistake sadness for contentedness.

    Experience:
    There are a few misconceptions about tripping in general. Don’t expect to fly into another world of shapes and colors unless you use a very strong psychedelic such as DMT or take a heroic dose of something else. If you’re only doing a couple tabs of acid, you’ll see the world in a new shade of beauty, but you’ll still be grounded, the main thing you’ll be experiencing is the mindset, you’ll be thinking about things on a deeper level, you’ll appreciate subtlety, don’t try to force yourself into seeing crazy hallucinations, work your way up to the heroic doses slowly.

    Realization:
    A large portion of hallucinogen use, especially first the time, is loss of ego. For most of our lives, we have an ego; it justifies anything bad we do. There have been many blog posts on how bad your ego is so I’ll leave the main subject alone. The most important rule to tripping is: DO NOT FIGHT REALIZATIONS if you fight any realizations, if you suddenly realize you've been an asshole your entire life, accept it and move on, if you try to fight things you learn about yourself and about the world and about your reality then you will have a bad trip. The key to tripping, and in some ways, life, is acceptance.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on December 13, 2012
    • filed in Experiences
    • 8 comments
    • 2 likes
  • 13 PUFF PASS

    The Mystery Of Coconuthead: A Biopic

    Coconuthead, who is he? Where is he from? How tall is he? The answer to these questions, is no. Coconuthead is an international, interracial man of mystery, his beingness holds no bounds.

    At the age of 73, he was born on a small farm on an oil rig in the middle of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Just 64 years after his birth, he was potty trianed, and, at the age of four, he became a champion golfer, even though he had never played the game. When he was thirteen, he composed Beethovens 2034th symphony using half an olive and a broken piano. The reviews of it were staggering, becuase they didn't exist.

    When he was 14, he was kidnapped by white devils, who took him to a plantation in South Degeorgianstan, where he worked until he was 10. He then fled to Chicago, North Dakota, a hustling, but not busheling, city in the heart of Indiana. At the age of 15 years, two months, three days, 2 hours, 12 minuets and 67 seconds, he received his degree at Florida State and his first boner, which hasn't gone away since.

    Just out of Ohio State, he applied for the mayor of Alaska, and won, since nobody lived in Alaska during the 1490s. When he was 16, he decided to leave his position as mayor, it was now the 1980's, and with his business degree from New Mexico state, he was able to take the stock market by storm, becoming the most successful trader of all time.

    But, he lost his edge, as the worst trader of all time, he decided it was time for a change, so, at the age of 23, he learned how to ride a bike and entered himself in the Tour de France, which loosely translates to, Amazing Swedish Biking Extravaganza.

    But the desert mountains of Hawaii proved too much for him, and he lost most of his left testicle when he got it caught in his motorcycle chain. After 12 long days of recovery, he emerged, a year younger, but a day older. Now 27.3, he decided it was time for a change, so he started smoking crack, and his heroin addiction grew out of control, now, a 27.4 year old with a crippling meth addiction, he needed help, so, he asked his best friend Sir Yoinkie Oppenheimer Aladeen the 607th for help. But Yoinkie was only 2 at the time, so he was busy with his canned fruit business.

    Coconuthead was at the end of his rope, a 26 year old with a hopeless internet porn addiction, he decided it was time to achieve a boner and put an end to it. Now a successful organ donor, Coconuthead was now able to become a pro wrestler, but, he had to give up that glamorous life to raise his child from the dead. But the life of an amateur wrestler isn't all necrophilia and tight womens clothes. Coconuthead had an addiction to sawdust and concrete. He didn't need help, but he sure needed it.

    He checked into a rehab clinic at the bottom of the seafloor, and emerged three days later, a successful 72 year old playboy with no morals whatsoever. He would go on to become an oil baron, half an icicle, a billionaire playboy who happened not to be a philanthropist, 1/16th of an isotope, the worlds worst computer hacker, and a mother.

    But where is he now? Most scientist estimate he died out over 16 trillion years ago, at the first concert of Jesus' heavy metal band "StoneFuck". He is buried at the Bohemian Cemetery in Chicago, New Brunswick, New York, Denmark. And lives unhappily in Detroit, Illinois with his wife, cousin, and son, Mitch.

    But does he exist? We went straight to the source, asking him ourselfs. We barged into his house at 4 AM next Saturday to figure it out!

    Us: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? DO YOU EXIST?
    Coconuthead: [Ahhhhhrgg!] Why are you naked?

    There you have it.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on September 15, 2012
    • filed in Science
    • 6 comments
    • 1 like
  • 18 PUFF PASS

    Review Of Some Rare Drugs

    4-BR-3,5-DMA- Holy shit, this is a great anesthetic! I could have my arm cut off and be fine with it! No visuals and a clear mind, but no pain whatsoever, although light seemed much brighter than it was.

    2-BR-4,5-MDA- A fucking super amphetamine, I feel like I'm four, I could stay up all night running and be fine!

    2C-B- I am totally into my body. I am aware of every muscle and nerve in my body. The night is extraordinary--moon full. I've seen some of the richest visuals ever. I could stare at a blank wall and watch the cartoons being played on it.

    3C-BZ- 24 hours. It was 24 hours of non-stop hallucinations, the sun never rose, at 11:00 on a clear day it was 100% dark outside, my house was floating through space. Sometimes the gravity became lighter or heaver. I felt good. It was impossible to think anything bad.

    5,6-MeO-MIPT- One of the worst experiences I've ever had, I ate a capsule of this in my bed. Not half an hour later a man with fire coming out of his eyes and mouth burst through my room only to have his head explode, this drug produced anomaly in a normal space, such as scratch marks on walls, rooms with blood every where. I could not open my front door, I was trapped. Wolves bleeding profusely chased my under the covers in my bed, one ripped through the covers and bit my face off. I chased it into the basement to get it back. There I took a 4-(2-Fluoroethyl)-2,5-dimethoxy-A pill to knock me out for about 8 hours. When I came to I noticed that my face was scratched up with dry blood under my finger nails, my front door handle was smashed with one of my guitars, and there was a bloody hole in my covers (made by me). I hate this drug.

    DOB- I just felt happy, a constant cool breeze was felt everywhere on my body, I tried to watch T.V. but found it bored me. I went out to meditate in the garden. I assumed the lotus position and somehow lost the world, no sound, when my eyes closed I was able to think clearly and perceptibly about my life. After about two hours of this I went inside and felt refreshed and motivated. About 3 hours later I felt mild nausea and stomach cramps, coming in 5 minuet waves, not unbearable, but annoying.

    psi-2C-T-4- I feel really into what ever I'm doing, everything seems clean and sparkly like its on a T.V. infomercial, after about 25 minuets there was a sudden drop off then nothing.

    DESOXY- A bright and colorful world, everything seemed like a cartoon scene from Yellow Submarine, no distortion of objects but major color changes. When I played a few guitar chords the music seemed to leap from the instrument. It lasted about twelve hours, I didn't grow tired whatsoever, T.V. is simply amazing, its hard to take crime shows seriously when the characters look like cartoons.

    5-MEO-DMT- I felt absolutely amazing, like an intensified DMT trip where you never leave Earth, but I smoked way to much, I felt my heart stopping and had to use my emergency epinephrine.

    a-MT- Really fun, my motor functions got all fucked up, sometimes they would do the oppisite of what I wanted to do, like move backwards instead of forwards, sometimes the wrong side of my body would respond, and other times it would be like controlling a string puppet. Along with acid-like visuals makes for one wild night.

    2-ME-DET- My thoughts became quite cloudy, increasingly so for several hours. And somehow slower than usual. Reading didn't seem to connect, and I had to turn the radio off as it was lousy. Texture, not content. I could type OK, and did, so my body was OK, but things came to me slowly. I wasn't very hungry but food tasted OK. The 'cloudy' was pretty much gone after six hours. I don't particularly want to repeat this, there isn't much here that I enjoy.

    HARMINE- Like being drunk, so drunk that I couldn't take a step without falling over, but no nausea or hangover, a few wavy hallucinations but for the most part just being drunk for two hours.

    HARMALINE- Dizziness and a world made out of woven fabrics, fun but missing something, also heavy nausea throughout.

    HARMALINE with an anti nausea compound and DMT- Amazing, these drugs compliment each other perfectly, I love the colors I see, although it seems to dissipate quicker than DMT by itself, this is amazing.

    DMMDA-2- I saw skeletons and zombies in portals (windows, mirrors, televisions, e.t.c.), I felt like I was being hunted and that my Wife was in danger. I eventually pulled a painting off the wall (it was of a forest) and stared at it in a lotus position for a while. This calmed me down until it wore off about an hour later.

    2C-T-7- Like a scary version of Ritalin, I feel as if somebody is going to kill me unless I do something productive.

    CPM- It came on within five minuets of composition, I could see movement in the air, radio waves, the molecules, sound, T.V. was interesting, everything could only been seen by focusing on layers, the object a character was holding, the character, the background. After 18 hours all effects had dissipated.

    2C-SE- I was on a trip to Chicago when I took this. This smelled awful, no taste but it burned my tongue, I drank some out of a water bottle before entering the museum of science and industry. I was able to retain the facts amazingly, and EVERYTHING was interesting, I read facts off little podiums and screamed "OH MY GOD NO WAY!", I read the instructions on how to change diapers in one of the bathrooms and screamed "HOLY SHIT NO WAY" asking a teenager to "CHECK THIS OUT", I also vaguely remember licking the glass in front of a plate of fake food to see if I could taste it. I spent about half an hour playing with the wave simulator. Museums are so fun when you're high. If I had taken this and tried to watch T.V. it would have been INCREDIBLY boring.

    2C-T- Imagine being on a roller-coaster for 8 hours, also you're in wonderland, on shrooms, and acid, this is what 2C-T is like, so much fun, my wife set up a strobe light, amazing, in a word.

    DOI- Fucking crazy, time went incredibly fast, it took me four hours to make a sandwich in the kitchen but it felt like ten minuets, there was no real visual hallucinations, but when my eyes were closed I saw amazing, DMT worthy things, T.V. was impossible to comprehend, just a blur of colors. Sleeping was impossible, but, I enjoyed listening to orchestral music and staring at the T.V. colors. Lasted about 30 hours.

    META-DOB- All I wanted to do was talk, me and my wife both took it and ended up talking about the strangest of things for 5 hours, I thoroughly enjoyed it. This was on 25 mgs. The hangover was like god taking a dump on my soul though.

    META-DOB and LSD- I wanted to talk for hours on end while experiencing the normal LSD hallucinations. Very fun. The hangover remained.

    MDBZ- Strangely similar to shrooms. But with one interesting difference, I could not help but say every single one of my thoughts out loud. Whether it be "Pringles are awesome" or "My dick itches", I would say it out loud. After 4 hours it dissipated. The only downside was my jaw hurting from constantly talking for 4 hours.

    MDIP- A very strange drug. I took it, then nothing for 8 hours, I gave up, then the next morning, I saw my wife, her face melted, and a clown came out of our closet and stabbed her repeatability, then he liked his knife and cut his own throat. Having seen this I passed out. When I came too it was about 4 pm and my wife was watching T.V. next to me. I asked her what happened this morning. She said "You were acting weird, you went into my sewing box, stabbed me lightly with a needle and went to bed, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't wake you, then you woak up around 1 and got a glass of water, said "THIS IS NO CLOWN" and passed out again" I still have no idea how fucked up this drug can get. This scares me more than any bad trip ever could.

    METHYL-K- I felt really wound up, and couldn't get to sleep until 3 AM.

    MMDA-3b- Like MDMA but with more visual hallucinations.

    ORTHO-DOT- Another strange drug, I felt as if I couldn't do anything, I would be sitting watching T.V., then I would want a glass of water, as I was pouring it I would suddenly reappear in my chair, when I tried to go to the bathroom, I might have made it half way, then reappeared in my chair. After about 3 hours of this the effects wore off. I went into my kitchen to find 5 unfinished sandwiches and 4 full glasses of water. It really is a strange drug.

    This is my newest highdea, if you good people of LazyKush like it, feel free to ask me any questions.
    • by ThomasChong
    • on March 13, 2012
    • filed in Experiences
    • 9 comments
    • 0 likes
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